The Good, the Semi- Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Dearly Beloved,

we have gathered here today to hail the good and trash the horrible - of this fall's 2k7 TV pilots. Sum it up quickly for us King? Well, as always, some of this fall's pilots make us happy, but most of them disappoint. And the worst thing is - the latter will probably stick around.

Which shows are we talking about here:

The Good

Life (NBC):

A good new show on the peacock!?! What's going on here?!

Life is a show about a cop who gets framed, spends 15 years in jail, gets his sentence overturned and makes it back on the force. The premise alone is fantastic, add to that Damien Lewis who plays the cop in a fascinating, almost House-like fashion, and, of course, Sarah Shahi as his (cop) partner and Brooke Langton as the lawyer who got him out - to have 2 actresses this hot on the same show is a very rare treat. Not to mention the fact that Sarah's character is a recovering addict who likes to sleep around to make herself feel better - H-O-T-T-T.

So, in one sentence: House as a LAPD-detective on a mission (getting the bastards who framed him) with Shahi and Langton as eye-candy. Must watch TV.

Reaper (CW):

Rookie of the year honors go to this one folks - the show is centered around a 21-year-old ("Sam" played by Ben Harrison - who apperently is a master at playing "Sams") whose soul was sold to the devil by his parents 21 years ago and now Bielzebub is coming to collect. "Collect" in this case means Sam has to chase down souls who have evaded from hell, catch them and send them to where they came from.

What makes this show so great is Ray Wise as the Devil who tortures Sam in the funniest way imaginable, the hilarious dialogues between Sam and said Devil ("Where would you like me to bring the evaded soul?" "How about the DMV on 45th? You know, any place that you would consider "Hell on earth" - well, that's actually really hell on earth..") and of course Missy Peregrym. That woman must have the whitest teeth on TV.

Big Bang Theory (CBS):

Surprisingly enjoyable 21 min spent watching the pilot - and I have no idea why people are bashing this show. Basically, it's about a couple of geeky MIT TA's who live together and all of a sudden a hot female is moving in next door. I have read critics say it's like Beauty and the Geek but just not funny, I say it's like Beauty and the Geek BUT FUNNIER. There you go - all the things we'll never get to see on B&tG - e.g. love traingles, actual humour etc - we might just get this here and I can't wait.

Tell Me You Love Me (HBO):

This one is another good example of how daring HBO can be - and we all love 'em for it. Tell me you love me is a relationship drama about 3 couples all at different stages in their lives. The angle here is to make it very realistic - meaning the language used is real, the sex scenes are very real etc. And unfortunately, the latter might cause its downfall. Already critics have focused solely on the sex, calling it way too graphic, but without ever looking at the show from a broader perspective. I'll say it right here - I enjoy watching these hotties in their birthday suits (especially Sonya Walger aka "Penny" from Lost) , but that's not all I enjoy about this show. I like the realistic aspect of it - same as the Wire, and that show is the best show ever made.

The Semi-Good

K-Ville (Fox):

Another cop show, this time set in New Orleans post-Katrina. Crime is up, but the NOPD is just a cunning bunch of heroes who whoop all the bad guys.

What makes it good? Well, I am interested in seeing what New Orleans is like these days and I could watch anything with Anthony Anderson. What makes it bad? I cannot believe that crime is that out-of-control down there (the show makes it seem like the f'n Sudan) and if things were really that bad, why doesn't Anderson's character just move to Atlanta with his family. After all, he loves them, they love him, so why would they stay apart, NO can't be that important to him. And the good guys get the bad guys way too easily - the whole thing is a tad too cliché.

Gossip Girl (CW):

Being co-written by Josh Schwartz and taking place right in the heart of wonderful Manhattan, you'd expect a lot from this one. Unfortunately, the women are about the only thing that'll keep me watching. So what's your problem with the story King? Well, first of all, 15-year-olds are not that mature, it just ain't happening. They're insecure, the do stupid shit - they certainly don't dress like rock stars, they don't handle women with that much ease and they don't talk like college grads. Ok, ok, the O.C. wasn't like Laguna Beach either (let's just, for the sake of argument, say that LB is real), but at least there was still the average teenage angst going about - and Rachel Bilson did dumb it down Kristin Cavalleri-style when needed. So we have another show with 25-year-olds playing 25-year-old 15-year-olds. Did we really need this Josh??

And oh yeah, a gossip page just for one high school community, give me a break.

The Bad

Chuck (NBC):

Hmm, another Josh Schwartz project - but this one's even worse. I mean Josh, this one is really, really bad bro.. Almost ugly even, but not quite. Ok, so what we're dealing with here is a nerdy computer guy (Chuck) who gets an e-mail from his about-to-be-killed former college roommate-now rogue CIA spy containing all the secrets the NSA and the CIA have been sharing from 2001 onward. The unbelievable (check for irony) thing about this e-mail is that when you open it, it shows you thousands upon thousands of pictures (the "secrets") per second - and Chuck just stares at them without moving (!) for 12 hours straight (!!!), then wakes up the next day and boom, now he knows all the nations top secrets...Wow. I could have written this sh*t.

And now our man Chuck, loaded up with these millions of secrets, starts working for both the NSA and the CIA - all while keeping his day job at the local radio shack (!). And who does he work for? Well, his CIA contact is a blonde 100 lbs Sidney Bristow, who (now here it gets creative) falls in love with him ... wow (please check again for irony).

Josh my man, you have to be f'n kidding me. All the nations secrets in one e-mail??? How big would that e-mail have to be?? And since when can we learn incredibly complex things just by looking at pictures? And thousands of pictures per second that is ! How about bringing that new method to the learning annex bro, you might have something here?! And who can stand for 12 hours straight without moving, staring at thousands of pictures per second??? And enough with the 100 lbs women who beat the shit out of countless 6' 2'', 200 lbs veteran agents!!! You have to be joking!! What is it Josh, the drugs?? Drugs are bad...mkay?

And the worst thing - Josh got Rachel Bilson to do this sh*tty show. Honey, a career is supposed to go up, not down. You do a movie like Last Kiss and then you go work on Lost for instance, but this? Fire that bum agent of yours!!

Private Practice (ABC):

I won't even get too much into this one folks. Just utterly, painfully boring. Who cares about Naomi and her husband/ex-husband/whatever he is, who give a sh*t about whether Addison and Pete get together - the whole thing is just pointless. And on Grey's they had cases with some interest to work on at least, here you have a birth with complications and a psycho who counts tiles. Big whoop. I give it 2-3 months at the most.


..and the Ugly:

Pushing Daisies (ABC):

When I first heard about the premise of the show I thought it was a joke. The main character, Ned, has the power to bring the dead back to life simply by touching them. If he touches them again, however, they go back to being dead. And now he does this little magic trick on the (dead) love of his life, Chuck (don't worry, it's a girl) and subsequently lets her (now alive again) work alongside him, fighting crime. Still, being the open-minded person that I am, I gave the show a shot - only to be convinced all over again that first impression always prevail. What a nightmare.

So what is really so bad about this show King? Why go as far as calling it 'ugly'? Well, first of all, I hate all storylines where a boy falls in love with a girl when he is six and then keeps on being in love with her until he's (in this case) well in his twenties. Ok ok, I know this show is not really supposed to be that realistic, but the emotional part of it should be, no?? It worked for Buffy the Vampire Slayer - which was supernatural as well (and a god-damn great show btw). Add to that the fact that Anna Friel is about a 10 in anyone's book - yeah, a girl looking like that is not going to have a single boyfriend apart from Ned in the 20some years she walks on this planet. Give me a f'n break. So here goes strike one.

Strike 2 is the fact that Ned and Chuck obviously cannot touch - ever (Chuck would die again). So what you have here basically is a "romatic drama" where the star-crossed lovers cannot ever get close. What's the point in that? That's like a cop show where the cop cannot go after criminals. Where the hell is this show headed?

And last but not least, strike 3: Why on earth would the P.I. (Ned's business partner) be ok with the 30-30-40 arrangement, thus allowing Chuck to participate in their crime-fighting operation. Chuck adds NOTHING - NIENTE - NADA. Ned touches the dead, the P.I. does his P.I. thing. But why exactly is Chuck sticking around - not to mention the fact that if she touches Ned just once, she's dead all over again. Why doesn't she just leave - after all, she has her life back now, right?

Why, I ask you, why do we keep letting these crazy shows on the air when we know they must fail?? It just seems like every year someone comes up with an even crazier plot just to stand out from the others - and some crazy network exec buys it. Why waste my VALUABLE time??

IN ANY EVENT: What should you take from this?? Enjoy these aforementioned few good shows while you still can, I have a feeling they'll be gone very soon (esp. TMYLM, BBT, maybe even Reaper). And a big F U to those of you supporting the sh*tty shows out there - one less god-awful version of CSI and I could have had myself another season of the Black Donnellys. F U s*ckers.

And yeah, the Sword is still mightier than the pen mothaf*****s.

Heroes of the Week

Dearly Beloved,

we have gathered here today to celebrate this week's unsung heroes: Jack Cassel and Houston Alexander. Virtually unrecognized, unknown to the broader public, but undoubtedly heroic.

Who are they you ask? Well, Jack is a starting pitcher for the San Diego Padres, who, after 7 grueling years in the minors, finally made it to the show. Houston, on the other hand, is a 35-year mixed martial artist who, after spending more than 10 years knocking punks out in bingo halls for chump change, finally made it his mark in the UFC. That's who they are.

So why honor them now? Jack already made it to the show in August King, and Houston whooped Jardine in May !?! Well my friends, Jack only finally established himself as the real deal this Monday, going 6.0 IP, 8 H, 3 K, 0 ER and thus grabbing the 5th spot on the rotation. And as far as Houston goes: Only this week did it come out (props to Joe Rogan) that he takes care of 6 kids (on his own!) and has had more than 200 (mostly unsanctioned) fights, sometimes fighting 5 guys per night (!) while DJ'ing in some of the sh*ttiest clubs imaginable in the Midwest. Yes, now is the time to honor them.

But King, how about honoring our political, cultural or religious leaders?? Well folks, they don't inspire sh*t. You look at these two guys, one white, one black, one coming from the suburbs, one from the ghetto, and you can't help yourself but be in awe of what they did, even if Houston's struggle may have been just a bit greater. But the point is: Keeping the dream alive for years on end as they did, never knowing if they would ever make it, that's f'n inspiring. I mean who sticks to pitching for 7 years while seeing his ERA balloon up to up to 6 in AAA, who fights 5 douchbags a night in an unsafe environment just to feed his family? Virtually noone, we would all have quit a long time ago, but they didn't, and it worked out for them. That's what makes them heroes, at least to me.

So what are we to take from this King? Take from it whatever you want, even if it's just that you won't ever read this stinking blog anymore. All I'm trying to say is have some f'n huevos mothaf*****s, for once in your miserable lives, and be just a little like Mr. Cassel and Mr. Alexander here.

And, as always, keep in mind: The Sword is mightier than the pen.